We need to talk about death: why it's important to start the conversation

My Dad sat us down recently to discuss his death. At 80, he wanted to plan the practicalities, and share his wishes with me and my brother and sister.

We all found the conversation hard, and it got me thinking about how bad we are in our society about discussing the inevitable. Findings show that almost one in three people are reluctant to talk about it.

Thankfully, things are changing – popular death podcasts such as On the Marie Curie Couch and Cariad Lloyd’s Griefcast suggest an increased willingness to confront and explore the subject. There are death cafes across the country, from Brighton to Inverness, where you drink tea and discuss death. Even funerals are changing, with eco-funerals and colourful, bespoke celebrations of life replacing traditional church services.

Starting the conversation

But the ‘death conversation’ remains tricky for many, says celebrant Kate Tym. "It has emotional entanglement and anticipatory grief attached to it. That’s uncomfortable, so we avoid it," Kate explains. "However, if we have the conversation, we build resilience and save ourselves more distress in future. It might make us sad, but some things in life are sad – and that’s OK.

"If you’ve never talked about your loved one’s wishes, when they die you’re in the worst possible place to be confronted by so much decision-making. You might worry about not getting their funeral right – and that matters, because it’s the last act of love you’ll do for them," Kate continues. "If you’ve ever been to a 'good' funeral, by which I mean personalised and thoughtful, then you’ll know how meaningful it is to those in attendance. It can also have a massively positive effect on the grieving process."

Whether you want to discuss your own death plan or raise the subject tactfully with a parent or partner, go gently. "If your parents try to start this conversation with you, allow them the time and space to do so. They're giving you a gift. Get the tissues out, have a cry together and take notes!" Kate says.

If they refuse, be patient. "Being confronted with your mortality can be hard when the reality is getting closer," Kate says. "Tell them you’re coming from a place of love, and how important it is to you to get the details right for them. 'Please can we have this conversation?' is a great way to start."

Kate Tym

Kate Tym is a celebrant and co-founder of the funeral and death education not-for-profit Coffin Club.

"When my mum and I talked through her wishes to scatter her ashes in all her favourite places, it had me in tears, then we were laughing again. There is sadness when someone dies, but trying to capture some of their joy and energy is about caring enough to give them a send-off that is totally them."

Coffin Club helps people plan the perfect send-off by showing what choices are available, without judgement. "Be it a crematorium with hymns or a forest glade with fire-eaters, it’s entirely your choice," Kate explains. Participants make decisions on burial or cremation, music, venues and readings.

"Talking about death actually makes you embrace and celebrate life. People presume it’s morbid, but it’s life-affirming," Kate says. "I don’t live in the shadow of death, I just accept it, plan for it and crack on with living. The more you talk about it, the less scary it becomes."

‘Grieving for Philip would have been harder if we hadn’t discussed his wishes’

Jane Duncan Rodgers

Jane Duncan Rogers, 66, lives near Inverness with her second husband, Ian. She has published a book, Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating a Good End of Life Plan.

"My husband Philip had had stomach cancer for seven months when, in July 2012, he decided to stop chemotherapy," begins Jane Duncan Roberts. "We both knew what would happen, but I supported his decision, as the drugs made him feel worse. A friend emailed me a set of death questions and urged me to ask Philip to answer them, saying it would help us both now and me in the future. So Philip and I went through them, creating a document called ‘Philip’s end-of-life plan.’ He had a will, but I didn’t know what kind of funeral he wanted, or any details.

"Some questions were practical, like ‘What are your passwords?’. Others were more personal, like how he wanted to be dressed after death. Philip chose the dressing gown I had made for him, which I would never have guessed. He was also able to tell me about things he wanted to pass on, including photos for his son and pottery for his daughter. It was difficult and there were tears, but it gave us enormous feelings of love and togetherness, and it empowered me, as I knew exactly what Philip’s wishes were. When he died that December, the grief would have been harder if we'd not had that conversation.

"In 2015, I published my memoir, Gifted by Grief , and people got in touch to share how they were planning to ask the same questions. This inspired my social enterprise, Before I Go Solutions (which I closed in September 2024), which helped people put an end-of-life plan in place. This covers more than your will and funeral. You need to consider your digital life, as you’ll still be alive online years later unless you state otherwise. The way your household is run needs to be documented too. It’s a big project, which can be overwhelming.

"Soon after my book came out, I met Ian, a widower. He’d seen my profile online, and when he made contact, it felt as if we were destined to meet. In my own good death plan, I want to donate my body to medical science. This means it won’t be at the funeral – an important detail for Ian to know. Planning for the inevitable makes it far less painful for the people we love."

How to have a death conversation

A death conversation might cover the following:

• Your will, and who you want as power of attorney (authorised to act on your behalf if you are incapacitated) and executor (authorised to act on your behalf after you die).
• The details of your funeral and how it will be paid for.
• Do you want specific songs and photos? A themed funeral?
• Do you want to be buried, be cremated or leave your body to medical science?
• Do you want to donate any organs?
• Do you want a celebrant or family member to speak about you?
• Is there anyone you don't want to attend your funeral?
• Would you like a celebration of life, or a living funeral before you die?
• Do you have life insurance?
• Do you have any debts?
• Do you have multiple bank accounts, savings and investments?
• Do you want specific possessions to go to specific people?
• In the event of needing end-of-life care, do you want to die in a hospice or at home?
• Do you want an end-of-life doula (a non-medical role providing emotional and spiritual support)?

Help with a will and 'sadmin'

It's worth noting that a shocking 59% of Brits die without a valid will. Throughout November, solicitors across the UK write wills for free in return for a voluntary donation to Will Aid – a suggested £100 for a single basic will and £180 for two basic ‘mirror’ couples wills, with donations shared between nine partner charities. You might also want to Remember A Charity in your Will.

A UK Commission on Bereavement survey found that 61% of people experience difficulties with at least one practical or administrative task – known as ‘sadmin’ – after the death of a loved one. Marie Curie, the UK’s leading end-of-life charity, has launched a ‘Make Sadmin Simple’ campaign that calls on banks, telecom companies and energy providers to make end-of-life admin more simple.

Marie Curie also have a helpful downloadable booklet called When Someone Dies. Alternatively, call Marie Curie’s free information and support line on 0800 090 2309 for emotional and practical advice.

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