The funniest Royal Family one-liners and witty quotes that still make us chuckle

Being in the Royal Family comes with plenty of privilege, but it no doubt comes with plenty of pressure.

While there are glittering tiara moments, enviable royal tours around the world and meeting the biggest names in history, there are also plenty of strict rules and scrutiny.

Which is why it's so refreshing and relatable when they let down their guards and make us all laugh with an unexpected one-liner or witty comment.

The funniest one liners from the royals that still make us chuckle

How the Queen played a trick on tourists

Showcasing her famed quick wit and the lack of pretence she had when relaxing at Balmoral, thought to be her favourite residence, a much-reported story involves the late Queen Elizabeth II stumbling upon tourists.

Unaware of who they'd just bumped into, one of the tourists reportedly asked, "Have you ever met the queen?"

Not missing a beat, the Queen answered, "No" before pointing to her protection officer and saying, "But he has."

The Wicked Wit of the Royal Family | £6.83 at Amazon

From Prince Philip's famous gaffes to dry quips from Princess Anne, this book uncovers some of the funniest (and sometimes biting) remarks from the royals.

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Princess Margaret's witty confession

Sassy, unapologetic and with an unapologetic love of glamour, Princess Margaret was somebody who savoured all the privileges royal life gave her.

Fully aware throughout her life that she was compared to her sister, Queen Elizabeth II, she leaned into being the more outrageous of the pair. And, according to biographer Theo Aronson, she once told the French filmmaker Jean Cocteau, "Disobedience is my joy!"

Prince Philip knew his place

Both a testament to his dry sense of humour and a sign that he wasn't too threatened by his powerful wife, a popular anecdote tells of Prince Philip cracking a joke about being in his wife's shadow.

The story has it, per The Mirror, that, during an event, a man introduced himself to Philip, saying, "My wife is a doctor of philosophy and much more important than I am."

Sharp as a tack, Philip replied, "Ah yes, we have that trouble in our family, too!"

The Queen Mother's unexpected response to bombings

A surprising fact about the Queen Mother is that, before she became the grandmotherly figurehead many knew her as for most of her daughter's reign, she actually set the tone for how to be a modern royal.

From harnessing the power of fashion to being more accessible to the public, she set a template for her daughter to emulate.

And this included their dry sense of humour.

After Buckingham Palace was bombed in September 1940, the Queen Mother avoided woes and sadness by famously telling a policeman, "I'm glad we've been bombed. It makes me feel I can look the East End in the face."

Prince Philip wasn’t one to stand on ceremony

Being a steadfast supporter of Queen Elizabeth for most of her 70-year reign, Prince Philip was there to greet the world's most famous individuals and sample the most luxurious offerings around the globe. But... that never really changed him.

When Italian PM Giuliano Amato offered a fine wine selection at a dinner in Rome in 2000, he simply replied, "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!"

Princess Anne pulls no punches

Understood to be one of the hardest working members of the Royal Family, Princess Anne was a rock to her late mother, Queen Elizabeth, and she's thought to be a massive support to her brother, King Charles III.

Despite shouldering her duties with aplomb, the Princess Royal held nothing back when she wittily assessed how it can feel to be in the public eye so much.

She is quoted as saying, "When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail – none of which is easy."

Prince William can joke about himself

The sign of a true wit is that they are comfortable making themselves the butt of the joke.

Just after the birth of Prince George in 2013, the Prince of Wales had no airs or graces and poked fun at himself. He joked about his firstborn son, "He's got way more hair than me, thank God."

Prince Philip's view on marriage

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip's relationship should really be up there with romances like Romeo and Juliet and Antony and Cleopatra - it is the stuff of legend.

Though, while he was by her side for most of her reign, Philip wasn't immune to making jokes at the expense of the institute of marriage.

He is widely quoted as saying, "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."

The Queen loved a gaffe too

During a visit to the United States in 1991, the former monarch - who stood at five foot three - found herself the victim of an unexpected bit of poor planning.

As she went to address the crowd at the White House, the podium completely dwarfed her, leaving nothing but one of her iconic hats poking out of the top.

The following day, while talking at the House of Congress, she started her speech with, "I do hope you can see me today."

Prince Philip's assessment of his daughter

It's seemingly every father's job to embarrass his daughter, and that even applies to the royals.

When asked to describe the interests of his daughter, Princess Anne, Prince Philip's hilarious remarks have been quoted for decades. Finding the bluntest way of describing Anne's love of nature and animals, he replied, "If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested."

Mike Tindall's nickname for a future King

In 2023, Zara and Mike Tindall appeared on The Total Sport Podcast, Seven: Rob Burrow with... and Mike let us into the good-natured relationship he shares with Prince William.

In the interview, Mike revealed the fun nickname he had for the future king, saying, "For the Prince of Wales, he is known as One Pint Willy. He is known to me as One Pint Willy because he is not the best of drinkers."

Prince Philip wasn't always the most diplomatic

While Queen Elizabeth II famously followed the belief of 'never complain, never explain' and was adept at keeping things neutral to avoid scandal, Prince Philip wasn't always as politically cautious.

In 1967, when asked if he was interested in visiting the then-Soviet Union, he bluntly replied, "I would like to go to Russia very much – although the b***ards murdered half my family."

The Queen knew how to lighten the mood

Being one of the most famous world leaders for most of her life, Queen Elizabeth II would often know exactly how - and when - to crack a joke to relax the atmosphere.

Appearing alongside world leaders at a photo call for the G7 in Cornwall in 2021, the Queen caused ripples of laughter when she quipped, "Are you supposed to be looking as if you’re enjoying yourselves?"

The result was a moment of genuine laughter from the likes of President Joe Biden and France's Emmanuel Macron.

When someone blocked the Queen's view

A popular anecdote retold by Karen Dolby in her book The Wicked Wit Of Queen Elizabeth recounts the time one of the Queen's escorts ended up blocking the crowd's view of her during a state visit.

Keeping it good-natured, the monarch reportedly told him, "Actually, Captain, I think it's me they've come to see."

The Queen Mother's behind-closed-doors wit

Gareth Russell, author of Do Let’s Have Another Drink!: The Dry Wit and Fizzy Life of Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, cites a hilarious encounter that captures how modern thinking and unpretentious the late Queen Mother could be.

As the tale goes, the Queen Mother's long-time butler and confidant, William 'Backstairs Billy' Tallon was having a quarrel with on-off boyfriend, Reg Wilcock.

Making a grand entrance, she quipped, “Would one of you old queens mind getting this old queen a drink?”

William’s crack about Catherine’s cooking

In 2016, when Catherine, Princess of Wales attended a special meal at Houghton Hall in Norfolk alongside Prince William, the pair were introduced to some Michelin Star winning chefs.

Many reports state that Kate amusingly said, "William has to put up with my cooking most of the time.” To this, he replied, “It’s the reason I'm so skinny!”

The Queen didn’t always have time for silly questions

Queen Elizabeth II's wit was legendary - and she wouldn't necessarily suffer fools or pointless questions.

Case in point, her somewhat acerbic reply to a question posed by Roger Moore's former wife during a visit to Buckingham Palace. She wondered why the Queen was carrying her purse around inside her own home, to which Her Majesty replied, "This house is very big, you know."

Sarcastic? Perhaps. But the Queen no doubt didn't want to divulge that she would use her handbag to send secret messages to her staff.

Don't cross the Queen - or her Corgis

The late Queen Elizabeth's life-long love for animals is widely known, and her particular fondness for Corgis saw her have over 30 dogs of the breed throughout her life.

So, to come for the Queen's Corgis seemed like an unwise thing to do - as Princess Michael of Kent found out.

According to the book, The Wicked Wit of Queen Elizabeth II, after Princess Michael of Kent made a comment on television on how she’d like to "shoot" the dogs, the Queen's acidic retort was alleged, "They’re better behaved than she is."

William’s way of getting real smiles

Prince William, as a future king, has no doubt spent most of his life learning how to do the job from the likes of his late grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, and now his father, King Charles III.

In 2023, William deployed a tactic the Queen has used in the past to ease the tension and create an authentic-looking happy photo.

While waiting for a group picture to be taken, the Prince of Wales decided to lighten the mood by asking, "Who's pinching my bottom?" The unexpected comment brought the room to laughter, and created a real cheerful memory.

William and Kate's husband-wife banter

Only the closest of couples can make fun of each other like Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Proving that they can crack jokes at each other's expenses, the couple once visited an alpaca farm where, per OK!, Kate teased her husband.

The alpaca farmer revealed that "[William] was interested in the alpaca and as I showed it to them the Princess said he should put it on his head," with Kate cracking, "You need it more than me."

Princess Anne’s dismissal of golf

She's one of the royals with an undeniable sporting prowess - she was the first ever royal to compete at the Olympics, after all - but that doesn't mean the Princess Royal is a fan of all sports.

In fact, her hilariously sharp assessment of golf is hard to argue with. She is widely quoted as saying, "Golf seems to be an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dog's out."

Even celebrities weren't safe from Prince Philip

To perform for royalty is an honour many celebrities can only dream of - and once you've done the deed, you can expect a regal greeting and memorable encounter.

That is, unless you had to perform for Prince Philip.

The brutally direct royal once told legendary crooner Tom Jones, "What do you gargle with? Pebbles?" after he put on a show at the Royal Variety Performance.

Prince Philip's on-the-nose joke about Americans

Even before Meghan Markle married Prince Harry, leading to some chaos in the Royal Family that's been played out in the press and in printed memoirs, there's always been a running joke within British high society about Americans.

While it's usually just good natured ribbing, Prince Philip touched on a sore subject when he said, "People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."

Not only would Meghan - an American - prove to upend things, before her there was Wallis Simpson who married the Duke of Windsor in a major scandal that ended with an abdication.

The Queen's dark sense of humour

At the 2016 Chelsea Flower Show, a gardener told Queen Elizabeth II how lilies of the valley have poisonous traits.

Without missing a beat, Her Majesty replied, "I’ve been given two bunches this week. Perhaps they want me dead."

Kate keeps William humble

When Prince William popped the question to Kate Middleton in 2010, the world celebrated the real-life fairy tale romance heading towards its happy ending.

During their press interview following the engagement, Kate proved how she was a natural fit for William, giving a charming interview that was both amusing and kept him on his toes.

Kate was asked if she had posters of William on her bedroom walls when she was younger. William tried to interject, joking, "It wasn’t just one, it was like ten, twenty."

But Kate replied, "He wishes...No, I had the Levi's guy on my bedroom wall, not a picture of William. Sorry."

Prince Philip's surprising response to Princess Anne's kidnapping attempt

In 1974, there was a kidnapping attempt on the Princess Royal.

While, thankfully, she was unharmed - and her chauffeur recovered after being shot - it was Prince Philip's classically dry response that has us laughing.

Avoiding dramatics and emotion, Philip allegedly joked, "If the man had succeeded in abducting Anne, she would have given him a hell of a time while in captivity."

How the Queen responded to George Bush aging her a few hundred years

In 2007, during his second stint as President of the United States, George W Bush made something of a goof when he accidentally implied that Queen Elizabeth II was there to celebrate the birth of American in 1776.

He had meant the celebration of their bicentennial in 1996.

At a formal dinner two days later, Her Majesty wouldn't let him live it down, beginning her speech by saying, "I wondered whether I should start this toast by saying, ‘When I was here in 1776...’"

'Do you know who I am?'

Words Queen Elizabeth II - Britain's longest-reigning monarch in history - thought she'd never have to say - 'Do you know who I am?'

And while she didn't quite drop that line, a widely reported story (per The Sun) had it that the Queen was stopped on her way to the Royal Windsor Horse Show. A guard told her, "Sorry, love, you can’t come in without a sticker". Without causing a scene, she replied, "I think if you check, I will be allowed to come in!"

Cracking a joke after being egged

When carrying out a State Visit to New Zealand in 1986, the Queen and Prince Philip were met with something rather foul (or fowl?) - they had eggs thrown at them by protestors.

Unflappable as ever, the Queen started one of her speeches later by stating, "New Zealand has long been renowned for its dairy produce, though I should say that I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast."

Princess Anne's no-nonsense response to a kidnapping attempt

Travelling back from an event with her first husband Captain Mark Phillips, Princess Anne's vehicle was blocked. Out of the car came Ian Ball, a man who pulled out a handgun and demanded the Princess get out and be held for ransom.

A daunting moment for anyone - but Princess Anne's famed response was so iconic and hilariously British, that it only adds to her legend as a no-nonsense royal.

She famously retorted, "Not bl**dy likely" - not easy to do with a gun pointed at you.

The Queen's response to being recognised

For the late Queen Elizabeth, who was thrust into a level of fame unparalleled for a historic 70-year reign, the chance of being left alone and unrecognised must have been a rare honour.

When she was going incognito during a walk in Scotland, a local resident reportedly told her she looked "just like the Queen."

She reportedly replied, drily, "How reassuring."

The ultimate comeback?

Despite having a great bond throughout their lives, like any mother and daughter, the Queen and the Queen Mother would have their arguments.

Per a story as quoted in The Express, there was a rare spat overheard between the royal pair.

The Queen Mother was thought to have said "Who do you think you are?" to which her daughter replied, "The Queen, mummy, the Queen."