Netflix's Adolescence made me terrified to give my tween a phone, so I got expert advice on how to say no

Like many others recently, I have spent a lot of time thinking about new Netflix drama Adolescence – a four-part series masterfully telling the story of a 13-year-old boy accused of murdering his female classmate.

As a mum of an almost 8-year-old boy, and two very young girls, it was a very hard watch - the familiarity of the family involved making it feel way too close to home. I've read the lessons we can learn from Adolescence and since asked myself many questions, but top of the list is one I know is imminent – my son's request for a phone.

This was echoed recently by Adolescence writer Jack Thorne during an interview with Jo Whiley on BBC Radio 2. Speaking about his almost 9-year-old son he said: 'He’s still beautiful and sweet and wonderful. And I am terrified of what’s going to happen to him over the next few years. I’m terrified of how to deal with the whole question of phones.'

It's not an issue we can shy away from – in an article from The Guardian in September 2024, it reported more than 97% of 12-year-olds own a smartphone. And a research briefing from UK Parliament last year states 'nine out of 10 children own a mobile phone by the time they reach 11'.

But as the rise in kids with phones has grown, so too has the concern. In February 2024, a handful of parents to set non-profit organisation Smartphone Free Childhood – a movement that now has over 160,000 members and growing. And speaking to my friends with kids in their tweens, the general consensus was they won't allow them to have phones until at least their late teens. But how to navigate that was a constant source of stress and worry for them.

How do you say no when all of their friends will have one - how do you justify that decision without going into the horrors they could potentially be exposed to? How do you maintain a close relationship with your child during these vital years, when denying them the technology they so desperately want – and won't understand why they can't have - will no doubt create distance between you?

I spoke to parenting expert and author of What’s My Tween Thinking? Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents Tanith Carey for some advice on how to approach the subject of my son having a phone. Here she shares her expertise on how a tween might be feeling about the subject, and her top tips on how to navigate the conversation – and it's advice I will be drawing on heavily when the time comes.

Tanith Carey

Tanith Carey is a parenting writer  and award-winning journalist. She is the author of 11 parenting and psychology books, which analyse some of the most urgent issues for today’s parents and offer practical, research-based solutions.

Tanith Carey's advice for setting phone boundaries

Even though Netflix drama Adolescence shows some of the dark places where kids can wander into on these powerful mini-computers, it’s still not easy to say no when your tween is begging for one as if their life depends on it. And if you look at the child development behind this request, the truth is that it probably does feel like that for them.

For a tween, a phone is the ultimate toy all rolled into one – they can play colourful, exciting computer games, take photos, and message their friends. At the same time, a tween’s reputation among their peers is becoming increasingly important. This makes them desperate to have a phone as a status symbol to make them look more grown-up in front of their friends.

So, how can you set a firm boundary on phones when your tween never stops nagging you for one?

Hear them out

Listen to your tween’s request and their reasons so they know you are taking them seriously. This way, they won’t keep repeating the request because they think you haven’t heard them.

Expect them to claim that ‘everyone else’ has a phone, to try and make you feel guilty if you don't give in. Instead, show that you’ve heard them and offer in fantasy what they can't have in reality.

Tell them: “I know a phone would make you feel grown-up. But I am not responsible for what happens in other families. My job is to keep you safe. In the same way I’m not ready to give you sweets all day or let you try alcohol, it's not time yet because, for now, I want you to stay safe and enjoy life in the real world.'

Put the request in context

Because, until now, many parents haven’t felt confident enough to hold the boundaries on phones, many children grow up feeling entitled to have one earlier than ever. Put this back in context for them. Explain phones are not play-things – they open up a world designed mostly for adults. Like cars, they are powerful machines that require training and experience to use.

Give them training wheels

Even if you’ve decided not to give them a phone yet, you can still start training them to deal with the realities of the online world. A middle-ground approach is to allow them to use a family tablet or computer that everyone has access to, which stays in the common areas of your home.

Keep the screen in full view and make sure all the security settings are on and they know you use it too. Just like you wouldn’t allow a learner driver onto the motorway, explain that you will be guiding them until they’re ready to take control on their own.

If you allow them to start communicating with others online, make it clear that they have to tell you how and that they are only allowed to post pictures or comments to closed groups of friends and family – not on public forums, which will likely satisfy most tweens.

Make the real world more interesting

Create a family culture in which screen-free time is seen as a positive, not a deprivation. Look for regular opportunities to have fun together as a family in the real world, so they grow up knowing this is more enjoyable than being on a screen.

Remember, if you’re engaged and interested, your child will always prefer real connection and activities with you.

Think of screen time as a health issue

Consider what inputs you want to feed your child’s brain – and whether you want them exposed to a world where strangers, who care nothing for their wellbeing, are in charge. If you have a co-parent, discuss your approach so you stay on the same page and hold the line together, so your tween understands there is a firm, consistent boundary made for their welfare.

Ring-fence your own phone use

When we treat our phones as indispensable, we send the message to our children that they must be just as essential for them too. Instead, be a responsible role model with your own digital use.

If you’re a working parent, switch on your out-of-office reply to help you resist the urge to respond immediately when you're with your kids, especially during special moments of connection like meals and bedtime.

Make your phone less interesting-looking to your tween too by turning it from colour to grayscale and only keeping essential, functional apps on it.

All four episodes of Adolescence are available to stream on Netflix now.