Resilience is essential for navigating modern life. Whether it's a little setback in your day or something bigger, building resilience in yourself and others will help you weather the storm without feeling as battered and bruised by the waves.
If you want a summary of the integral and interrelated components of resilience, they're best summarised by Dr Ginsburg, Human Development Expert. They say that the seven C's – competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control – make up resilience. But how do you create those in the first place?
I've researched all the best ways to build resilience in yourself and others, so that you can go through life taking an active role in what happens to you. Strength is empowering and, even when you're not feeling strong, a toolkit can be really helpful too.
How to build resilience in yourself and others
Work on your growth mindset
You'll have seen the phrase 'growth mindset' banded around a lot when people are talking about opportunity and resilience. Essentially, adopting one of these means believing that you have the power within yourself to develop through change and effort.
People often try to adopt a growth mindset when faced with adversities. After criticism, setbacks and risk-taking, you'll need to collaborate, self-reflect and work hard to develop from challenges. Nobody said it was easy, but it's really helpful to have.
Practice self-compassion
In amongst chatter around resilience and strength, self-compassion can fall to the wayside. But actually, it's one of the fundamental building blocks for resilience.
Mo Gawdat, host of a mental health podcast and best-selling author, preaches about "that little voice in your head". This is where self-compassion starts: how you speak to yourself, especially in times of struggle. Try to reframe setbacks into opportunities for growth and practice gratitude for what you have.
Cultivate optimism
Alongside speaking kindly to yourself, it's important that you cultivate optimism. This is simply looking for the good where you might elsewhere have been focusing on bad. Transform your "can't" mindset into one of what you can do, what you have and what positives lie in your future.
For example, if you wake up and it's raining, rather than saying to yourself that the rain has ruined your plans for the day, think about what it can offer you. Does it mean that you get a cosy day? Can you make memories in the rain?
Don't be afraid to make big changes
When faced with adversity, it's easy to lean on old coping mechanisms and bad habits. Don't be afraid to step back, look at your problems and make big changes. Starting a new chapter in your life or looking at things from a different perspective can be eye-opening and extremely helpful.
It doesn't have to be a drastic change, such as moving house; it can be small tweaks to your routine or how you think. Make sure to check in with yourself along the way.
Remember your successes
Everything from how you dealt with a stressful scenario to the big project that you managed to work through can be helpful for future you. Make a note of your successes and reflect on how you overcame the difficulties. These will form the toolkit for overcoming and managing your next set of adversity. They're also a great boost for when you're feeling low or fragile. If you look at these successes, you can be reminded of where you want to go and why you're doing what you are.
Have a support network
We've always known that having a support network is healthy. Where else could the aphorism "a problem shared is a problem halved" come from? If you build good social connections, you can reach out when you feel that you need someone to listen or talk to when things get tough, but these are also the people who will want to celebrate your successes.
There are even new studies that suggest a strong social support network can help you to live longer. The BMJ Group published a piece based on a study of more than 28,000 Chinese people who found that "socialising nearly every day seems to be the most beneficial for a long life". As if we needed an excuse to go for brunch.
Learn new skills
We've all heard of "use it or lose it" and, in the case of your brain's power and sharpness, I'm sure you'll want to use it. Learning new skills will keep your brain active and it'll help you to be more creative. In turn, you'll feel more self-confident and learning new skills can even help you feel independent and rewarded in an ever-changing world. Having that sense of accomplishment and a boost behind you can only do good things for your resilience.
Nurture your growth
Developing resilience in yourself and others takes time and consistency. Don't try to rush things or cut corners, just take stock, show up and watch your resilience grow over time. It can almost be compared to gardening. You don't plant seeds and then expect to see a full plant the next morning, you water it, tend to it, and react to its own reactions. You are patient because you know that proper growth takes time and so the same applies to resilience.
Create space for relaxing
When people think about resilience, they often picture endurance and strength. That comes in all shapes and forms, especially in the ones that make space for you.
It's important to find time to relax, breathe and check in with yourself and your values. It's a lot easier to be strong and centred when you have a grasp on who you are, so you might want to put aside five or ten minutes a day where you check in with where you're at and what you need going forward.
Look for resources
It's a big wide world full of resources to help you to develop resilience. Look for apps, groups and experts offering advice on how to develop it. There are lots of accountability resources and progress checkers that will help you to see your own growth.
We'll all have different perspectives on what to do to grow resilience in yourself and some will work better for you than others. Trial and error will help you to find what works for you. Remember, the first methods you practice might not be the ones for you.
Practice patience
Resilience isn't something that you'll grow overnight, so it's important to practice patience whilst you're building it. Give yourself time and space to get stronger and to find your own methods for coping with adversity and challenges. Don't forget to give yourself and others permission as you develop your resilience. Sometimes, you'll see people get frustrated with themselves. It can be helpful to offer some words of patience to them. You'll be grateful when someone does this for you.
Support self-care
Whether you're trying to build resilience in yourself or in others, a self-care routine is important. Make sure to encourage rest and exercise as well as some downtime.
We have a culture which expects everything to be productive, so sometimes self-care can make us feel guilty. If you think about rest as what enables you to work towards your resilience, then it is just as productive as your work itself. Some people even have their best ideas when resting.
Teach adaptive thinking
There are always lots of ways to view a scenario, which is why it's important to teach adaptive thinking to yourself and to others. If you can show someone to reframe challenges as a learning opportunity, they'll develop resilience by virtue of thinking themselves into a positive mindset. Once you've got the hang of this, you'll begin to do it more and more naturally. It'll help others to feel more relaxed around you too, because adaptive thinking is also problem-solving.
Be an active listener
Whether you're building resilience in yourself or in another, you can't do it alone. This means that you'll need to be an active listener, providing a safe space for you to share thoughts and ideas. It's not just a case of listening, you need to put your thoughts aside to fully embody what the other person is saying and thinking about. Make sure to approach people with an open mind, both for your own opinion and for receiving theirs. You'll both benefit.
Stay active in all your decision making
It's easy to adopt the mindset of "life happens", but that takes away the power that forms the foundations of your resilience. If you decide to take an active role in the choices that you make, you'll begin to feel more in control of your life. So, if someone hands you a task, you can look into the task to see how to make it your own, what you want to do with it, and how it can be part of your journey to resilience.
Keep a gratitude journal
Everyone's gratitude journals look different, depending on the type of person you are. It might be a book where you write three things that you're grateful for each morning, or a page in your Notes app where you reflect on the positives in your day. Either way, bringing attention to the things that we take for granted can help us shift perspective on our lives. It sets you up on a stronger foundation for when adversities might be thrown your way.
Help people to build social connections
You might already have friends and family around you, but if you're helping others to build resilience, that means also helping them to find their own support network. This takes time and effort: they might need to join like-minded groups or reach out to people in their lives, but just the act of nurturing these connections gives people a sense of power. That will be reinforced when said support network shows up for you or the person that you're helping.
Develop stress management techniques
People cope with stress in different ways. On the one hand, you have people who need calmness and relaxation to handle stress. If that's you, practice integrating little breaks, mindfulness, reading and yoga into your routine. On the other hand, some people need to use up their energy when they're stressed, which often looks like exercising. Either way, it's important to develop stress management techniques, so that these things don't build up over time.
Reframe negative self talk
According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of our thoughts are negative, which can make it hard to feel upbeat and strong. This is known as the 'negativity bias', which does us no favours in modern life. With that in mind, try to reframe your negativity bias into positive self-talk. If you have a setback, think about it constructively. You can take away lessons and learnings, but it's also important to take stock of how you feel. Self-care is really important when you're feeling negative.
Embrace change
The times when you'll need to dig the deepest will be at times of change and tumult. Rather than trying to fight against changes, try to see them as opportunities for new starts, new chapters and personal growth. Often, change is inevitable and so fighting it becomes one more stress that you don't need. Working with the change of tides in your life can help you to feel empowered and even refreshed by the new opportunities opening up. Make sure that you seize them.
Offer encouragement
When you're helping other people to develop resilience, it's important to remind them of their strengths and successes. It can be easy for people to forget about their own special skills, but you'll see them clearly and it can be helpful to point them out to others. You'll have had people notice things about you that you weren't even aware of. It feels nice to be recognised, so see where you can praise people and commit to doing it authentically and regularly.
Develop problem solving skills
Resilience becomes key in times of adversity, but if you can equip yourself with some problem-solving skills, you'll be able to tackle challenges with more tact and methodology.
Solution-oriented mindsets can be particularly helpful here because focusing on practical elements can help to make adversity seem more manageable. It's always recommended to make a plan that's comprised of lots of small, but achievable steps. Try to keep an eye on the big picture too.
Bring perspective
Whilst we're all about taking things one step at a time, it's also important to keep an eye on the end goal. There will always be lots of noise and distractions, but true resilience comes from staying in your lane, sticking to your plan and making sure that you're remaining positive both for yourself and for your task. If you need support from others, try to share your end goal with them so that they can see your goals and help you to achieve them too.
Make lists to break down challenges
Storing issues and problems in your head can become quickly overwhelming, so writing down your tasks, feelings and anything else that's on your mind can be a helpful step for creating a plan going forward.
Start by figuring out what's on your mind, just so you can get it down on paper. Then, you can go back through all of your thoughts and start to order them in a way that feels good for you. This will help you to stay on track for your final goals.
Stay active
Movement and exercise look different to everyone. You know best what works for you, but there are lots of studies that support the positive relationship between resilience and exercise. One of the most cited is listed by the National Institutes of Health where they conclude that "exercise intervention has been associated with cognitive improvement and stress resilience in humans". It's worth trying out different forms of exercise and then you'll settle on the one that works for you.
Focus on the present moment
Whether it's meditation or mindfulness, focusing on where you are right now can help to grow a greater base for your resilience.
Centre your mind and thoughts to help you to be less reactive to unexpected situations. It doesn't mean that you have to be prepared for everything, but if you're calm from the outset, you start in a better place and you're likely to have better recovery from stress too. All in all, it'll keep you on the right track for a sustainable form of resilience.
Set achieveable goals
Not only is it important to make a plan, it's even more vital that your plan is achievable. You'll be more resilient at each step towards your goal if you have a manageable next step and reasonable target. Even if the steps seem easy or too small, it's better to underestimate what you can do, so that you can enjoy small successes rather than overcommitting and feeling like you've disappointed yourself. Overwhelming yourself with too much at once can be damaging.
Celebrate effort and just showing up
It's important to reward and celebrate the little steps as much as you do the big successes. The fact that you can be consistent every day is enough to celebrate. A large part of success is down to the regularity and pace at which you maintain your everyday.
It's also worth rewarding yourself for being present in the moment. Keeping mindful at each step will help to nourish your practices of meditation and positive affirmations, which, in turn, keep you motivated.
Practice resilience, even when you're not feeling it
There's a bit of debate about how effective the "fake it 'till you make it" practice is. However, when it comes to building resilience, sometimes performing strength can help you to realise that you're capable of the strength and resilience that you're striving for. What does resilience look like to you? Try to embody that and see how it feels to perform resilience. You'll probably be surprised at how easy it is and how quickly it feels real to you.
Maintain a healthy routine
As humans, we thrive off structure and routine, especially physically. The most important things to stay consistent with are your sleep, nutrition, hydration and exercise. If you have this fitted into your life already, keep it up. If not, it's worth trying to develop a good routine for each one. Start with five fruits and vegetables a day, then 8 hours of sleep, 2 litres of water and 30 minutes of exercise. They'll all fall into place and you'll feel better for it.
Normalise setbacks and practice empathy
Once you've established a support network for your resilience and growth, you can practice empathy. Together, you can all normalise your own and each other's setbacks, helping to make them part of the journey of your growth and strength. Sometimes, it can be helpful to hear what other people are struggling with, because then you won't feel as lonely if you're finding difficulties around the same things. You might even be able to trade some advice.
Don't get distracted along the way
It can be easy to get waylaid by other tasks and distractions when you're reaching for a goal and trying to focus on resilience. It's important to focus on the most important task in front of you and to react and treat yourself with compassion as you work towards your final goal. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be adaptable, of course, there will be other challenges that you need to account for, but try to stay as mindful as you can along the way.
Don't lose touch with where you started
It's important to stay grounded and not to lose track of where you've come from. This means celebrating your successes, keeping on track with your goals and trying to clear your mind. We all have goals and resilience will help us to achieve them, but it doesn't work in isolation and nor should you. Don't forget to ask for help, check in with others and speak kindly to yourself.
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