Kat Storr
What a healthy love life looks like for one person won't be the same as another, and as long as you talk about it, "any sex problem can be solved", says Cox. But it can be useful to have a benchmark if you're looking to spice up your relationship or rekindle the spark.
Discussing sex tips for women over 50 on the Begin Again podcast with Davina McCall, Tracey Cox said: "They've done so much research into frequency because everyone's hung up on frequency. They did one very important study, and they made lots of couples have sex every single day because we have this thing that, you know, the more sex, the better."
But the couples were miserable, she revealed. "It was too much, and they found the perfect time for couples to reap all the health benefits [and] stay connected, but not too much, is once a week. Once a week is the magic number."
How often should you have sex?
Tracey Cox recommended that couples have sex weekly. "If you want to stay connected, if you can manage once a week, you'll be fine," she said.
For some couples, that will be too much. For others, it will be way too little, but it's a good minimum to aim for.
However, she also notes that it's "all about age and stage", referring to the life and relationship experiences that may impact our sex lives. For example, women in their 40s and 50s might experience a low libido in menopause, so they may not be as interested in sex.
How to have more sex
One way to get back into the swing of having sex, whether that's more or less than once a week, is to plan for it, says Cox. Two-thirds of women are responsive to sex, she explains, which means they may not be immediately aroused, but if they are "touched in the right way or start having sex", then they become aroused.
The opposite is spontaneous desire, which two-thirds of men feel. It's what many women think they should feel when it comes to sex, but responsive desire is a "different sex drive" entirely, says Cox.
"Men shouldn't be insulted if women don't want sex spontaneously because that's not the way they work a lot of the time," she says.
To get in the mood and build relationship intimacy, Cox suggests couples work out what sparks desire and include more of that in their lives. It could be running a bath, having a glass of wine, and talking to each other for a while, or she says, it could be beginning foreplay and seeing how you feel.
"The more you have sex, the more you want it because your body remembers it," she says. "The idea is to make sex a habit."
It's also important to know what turns you on and what will give you an orgasm, says Cox elsewhere in the episode, whether that's sex toys, manual stimulation, or oral sex. "If you play along with the game and pretend you're having an orgasm through intercourse, you're not doing yourself a favour," she says.
Other tips from Tracey Cox
- Manage your expectations and try not to be influenced by TV or books where people seem to be having loads of sex, says Cox.
- Cox says it’s important to “find your own normal” and what works for you as a couple.
- Be aware that people can feel very vulnerable when it comes to sex, so make sure you have a “partner who’s not going to shame you or call you weird”, she says.
- If you’re honest about any menopausal symptoms or their erection issues, then you’ll feel closer and understand why your partner may or may not be feeling up for it.
- Speak to your doctor if you’re finding sex uncomfortable. HRT and HRT alternatives can help with issues such as vaginal dryness, loss of libido and night sweats.
- Masterbate, either manually or with a vibrator, to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.
- Put your phones down and spend quality time together, she suggests. Half an hour before turning out the light to have quality time together, instead of scrolling.
- Knowing what turns you on is important, but it's also essential to know what turns you off. This might have changed over the years, so take time to see what still works for you and what doesn’t.
