The rise of grey divorce: 'It was hell after 40 years of marriage - but now I'm loving life'

It often comes as a surprise when a marriage falls apart around the retirement years, something that's become known as 'grey divorce'. After sticking together through years of ups and downs, often navigating the challenges of raising children, changing careers and moving house, it can come as a shock when a couple don’t make it through the final stretch – ‘til death do us part’.

But while divorce rates overall are in decline (according to the Office for National Statistics), divorce among couples in their 50s, 60s, and older is on the rise in both the UK and the US.

What’s behind this upturn in ‘grey divorce’ - the term commonly applied to people who choose to move on from a relationship in their 60s and beyond?Woman&home speak to the experts to reveal what can prompt a divorce later in life and how to cope both practically and emotionally. Plus, two women tell the stories behind their own ‘silver splits’ and why life is better now.

What is a grey divorce?

A ‘grey divorce’, sometimes known as the more elegant-sounding ‘silver split’, typically refers to couples separating in their 60s and older, but is sometimes applied to couples in their 50s. A few years ago, the Office for National Statistics (ONS) noticed that even though divorce rates were in decline (a 28% fall between 2005 and 2015), older people were bucking the trend. The number of women getting divorced at the age of 65 and over increased by 38% in the same period.

Over in the US, a paper published in The Journals of Gerontology, reported that the number of divorces among adults aged 50 and over had grown to 36% by 2019, a huge jump from 8.7% in 1990.

All divorces involve legal discussions and emotional upheaval, but a ‘grey divorce’ can look a little different to separating in your 30s or 40s. Silver splitters are often disentangling themselves from decades of a life together and shoring up valuable assets accrued over a lengthy marriage. While there aren't likely to be custody battles over children, older divorcees may still need to navigate tricky family dynamics around grandchildren, for example. And unlike being a divorcee in your 40s, silver splitters may feel it’s late to be starting all over again.

However, there is also evidence that women thrive after divorce. While the research shows that worries of financial security and loneliness are common, we also have higher levels of overall happiness, feelings of "liberation", and gain confidence with enhanced independence and freedom.

Celebrities like Sharon Horgan and presenter Ruth Langsford have recently said as much. The Bad Sisters creator, 54, said she wished she'd divorced sooner, saying the reason she left it so long to leave was “connected to confidence" but that she'd "never been happier" after making the decision, which has had a "positive impact" on her life.

Langsford said she was ready to embrace being single again in the lead up to her 65th birthday and "make choices that are just about me".

What causes a grey divorce?

Older couples are not immune to common relationship issues faced at any age, but there are some theories as to why some baby boomers choose to divorce in later life.

“People are living longer, and many reassess their happiness in later years rather than staying in an unfulfilling marriage,” says Kathryn McTaggart, a family law solicitor and director at Woolley & Co. “Having said that, despite the fact that people are living longer, they’re not always necessarily well, and as such late in life illnesses, infirmity and cognitive impairment can all take their toll and strain a marriage.”

Divorce coach Sara Davison works with many older couples, and she finds that the period around 60 is often a time of transition: “One issue as couples age is their different expectations, especially around retirement. This can cause tension and conflict if one partner feels let down or even left out.

“But one of the most common challenges is ‘empty nest syndrome’. The children have gone, and the couple are left looking over the breakfast table, wondering what they have in common. Without children there, the focus shifts onto the couple, and many report having little or no connection without the kids to bond them together. It can be hugely daunting with parents experiencing a sense of loss and loneliness.”

With fewer distractions, unacceptable behaviours are magnified, and there can be signs your relationship is over. For example, if there is an affair, it's much harder to hide, says Davison. “Leaving the house or taking phone calls is much more obvious – with just the two of you in the home, toxic behavioural patterns become much clearer."

Some commentators have suggested that advances in technology, such as messaging via smartphones and dating apps, have made conducting extramarital affairs easier for anyone, including the older generation, for the first time as well.

While it's an extreme example, it was this behaviour that broke the marriages of two women who eventually divorced in their 60s.

Beth*, 64

Beth*, 64, was looking forward to retirement with her husband of 40 years, but her imagined future evaporated overnight after she discovered messages between him and another woman on his phone.

“I was completely and utterly shocked and devastated,” she recalls, after he admitted to having an affair. “He said he wanted me back, that he still loved me and wanted to save our marriage. I agreed to try as I didn’t want to throw away everything we’d built during our life together. However, I soon realised I was the only one trying to rebuild our relationship.” It was then that she filed for divorce, believing it was the only option. “The trust we’d had throughout our marriage had completely gone; there was no way back,” she says.

Her husband was shocked and angry that she had instigated divorce proceedings. “I’m sure he thought I wouldn’t divorce him, but I still had my pride and integrity. I knew I no longer wanted to be with him.”

Despite initiating the split, Beth felt broken by the divorce process, which became acrimonious. “It was so hard trying to hold myself together when I felt like my world had exploded. Dealing with the difficult legal side of things, and the way it devastated the family – the emotional stress and trauma was awful.”

Beth imagines that if they had separated when they were younger, she might have had the opportunity to build a new life for herself with someone else. However, she recognises this may have been harder on the children at that stage: “They’re adults now and can find their own ways of coping with the situation.”

As she struggled to adjust to single life at 60, Beth was given the contact details of Paula Crowhurst, owner of Polly Bloom, The Divorce & Separation Coach. “I’d never heard of a divorce coach before, but the minute I spoke to Paula, I knew she could help me,” says Beth. “She’d been through a similar situation, so knew exactly how I was feeling. She gave me advice, suggested coping mechanisms, and was there for me when I was really struggling. Paula is an excellent coach – I don’t think I’d be where I am today without her help.”

Four years after the split, Beth is living a full life once more. “I enjoy time on my own but also have amazing friends and family who have been by my side throughout it all. I’m currently relishing new challenges and opportunities and have made lots of new friends through my hobbies.

“A few years ago, I thought my life was over. I didn’t realise then that a new life was just beginning. Even though the process was hellish, getting divorced was 100% the right thing to do. Now I realise that I’m stronger than I ever knew.”

Beth assures other women facing divorce in their ‘silver years’ that “there is life on the other side, and it can be a good life. Keep strong, keep going and be true to yourself.”

*name has been changed

Liz Taylor, 67

Just like her Hollywood namesake, Manchester-born Liz was no stranger to divorce when she split from her third husband in her early 60s – but this failed marriage cut the deepest.

First time around, she had married young (at 20) and divorced after just 18 months – “I realise now that I was simply escaping an unhappy home life, and I craved the package of my own home and family rather than the individual I married,” she says. At 27, she entered her second marriage – it was a transformative period as she had two children and started a fledgling business. But the relationship didn’t work, and she walked out after six years with their two daughters.

When Liz married her third husband at the age of 38, she was fully committed to making it a success, believing this one would go the distance: “It was good, we were happy, and I thought we’d be married for life.” But as they approached their twentieth wedding anniversary, Liz made a shocking discovery. “The night before my mother’s 80^th birthday party, I opened my husband’s iPad to book some train tickets – instead I found messages from him to another woman.”

This opened a Pandora’s Box of lies. Liz discovered that her husband had an addiction to porn and had been leading a double life – one that involved an affair with a work colleague thirty years his junior, plus ten years of online dating. Despite feeling utterly devastated, Liz tried for three years to save their relationship.

“We tried marriage guidance and several ‘make or break’ holidays, but I had to face the fact that our marriage was finished. Looking back, I wish I’d let him go sooner, but I was just too traumatised to accept it was over,” she says. “I finally sent him packing with all that he brought to the relationship – £3,000 and two candlesticks!”

Despite her courage to end it, the split was tough. Her events business, Taylor Lynn Corporation, was booming, so as CEO, her work kept her busy and focused, but she struggled emotionally. “My confidence was shattered. I didn’t know who I was anymore. After our split became public, more people came out and told me things. This knocked me for six every time, making me question everything, including my friends.”

After resisting professional help for years, she finally tried therapy. “It saved me,” admits Liz. “It took me five years to realise that it wasn’t me that broke the relationship. Therapy led to a lot of healing in my life, and my bond with my two daughters is now stronger than ever, which is a huge transition. It also inspired me to write my autobiography, Taylor Made, which was such a cathartic process.”

Years on from the divorce, Liz reflects that for her, it wasn’t the split itself that hurt the most, but the deceit. Nowadays, she is thriving again and hopes that other women going through similar situations know that happiness is possible after a betrayal. She says, “The truth, however painful, really does set you free.”

Navigating a grey divorce

As was the case with both Beth* and Liz, when it comes to calling it quits Davison observes that it’s often the women who initiate divorce: “In many cases, men are dependent on their wives for their social life and the domestic running of the household, so are happy to ‘tick along’ and stay [in a marriage] rather than start over again. In these instances, I see women instigating divorce as they don’t want to be looking after their husbands for the rest of their lives.”

She adds, “It’s never an easy decision to leave a marriage – divorce is known as the second most traumatic life experience we go through after the death of a loved one. However, later in life many realise that life is short, and we need to be happy.”

Whether you're going through a 'silver split' or know someone who is, the experts have tips on making a fresh start in your 60s and being happy alone.

Give yourself time to grieve

“Women not only grieve their marriage and former life partner but all the shared future dreams and plans they invested into. The loss often feels like a black hole or a blank canvas,” says Davison. Recognise your grief and then move forward.

Visualise your future life

“When you start to think about what you want, who you want to become, what you want more of and less of in your life, it becomes a really exciting project which reignites a fire inside. Many struggle to know who they are without their ex, and while it can be daunting, it can equally be exciting to redesign your life just the way you want it,” she says.

Connect with others

“Love and connection are primary human needs, so when we lose a partner later in life, it can feel overwhelmingly lonely. But we can create love and connection in many ways,” says Davison. “The dating scene for the over 50s is booming with dating sites and dating apps specifically for the silver splitter market.”

Connection doesn’t only mean another romance – it can be through making new friends as an adult or spending time with family or pets. “Make sure you schedule in fun to help get your sparkle back. It’s a chance to do things you’ve never done before or reconnect with friends you’ve lost touch with,” she suggests.

Get practice affairs in order

A good solicitor will keep you on track, but be prepared for additional issues. McTaggart recommends updating any existing wills, power of attorney and beneficiaries for pensions and life insurance policies. “Consider whether staying in the family home is financially viable or if downsizing is a better option. And if one party has health concerns, care costs should be factored into the settlement discussions,” she adds.

Seek specialist support

McTaggart also recommends “mediation and amicable dispute resolution" for those divorcing later in life "as ‘grey divorce’ can have huge impacts on the wider family".

"Staying practical with family arrangements, as well as cooperating on future financial provision for adult children, can make the process easier for all parties involved," she says.